As I was handling some work items this morning, I saw that the move The Core was being shown on the SyFY channel. It’s a doozie disaster movie line up today, with Deep Impact following one of my favorite movies of all time. Considering I really didn’t like Deep Impact and that I own The Core, I’d give it a little love on social media. What? I’m not avoiding shit right now.
So I began: (I edited some of the Twitter stuff for clarification.)
Also, don’t start with me about spoilers. This movie was released in 2003. Seriously? Also. Much Language Within.
OMG YOU GUYS. THE CORE is on SyFy right now. Totally watching it while I work, despite it having commercials and the fact that I own it.
I love this movie. It’s like top 20 for me of all time. There are deep moments along with the fun of an unlikely disaster.
Beck! You save hundreds of lives [with that unfortunate and totally not your fault LA canal landing], with your snap decisions and amazing brain, but your shit is done. You are FINISHED.
Fun fact. Got up close to Endeavor on trip to FL in 2012 before it moved to CA. No damage from canals! 🙂
Josh now demonstrates the complexities of our EM field with a peach, a fork, hair spray, and a lighter. SCIENCE! ( I later learn from @welchmania that the peach was in fact an apple and my entire reality is shattered.)
Man, poor Brazzleton. He just gets the shit end of every stick in this movie.
DJ Qualls in da house! Rat shows us his L33T skillz by hacking a phone with a gum wrapper. Suddenly hungry for Hot Pockets & Xena tapes.
And Becks is back, assigned with Commander Pike/Iverson again! Turns out the coordinates were not her fault but something sinister with Mother Earth and her inability to spin. We will eagerly await her inevitable failure at the expense of crew to further the plot.
Cue early 00’s computer simulation and montage on restarting the core with nookeler weapons. The world can NEVER know.
At this point, I stopped live tweeting, because I’m pretty shit at it. But, the need was there to analyze, so I moved it here to the blog. Thoughts:
Why can’t we utilize the same program Rat uses to silence the internet for trolls instead? I guess we have to settle for blocking
relatives, er, aholes on Twitter and Facebook over political posts.
Oh! It’s The Talk! Commander Pike/Iverson tells Becks she’s awesome but she hasn’t lost anything yet, so she doesn’t know what it really means to be a leader. FORESHADOWING.
Tons of Italians and Spaniards lose soccer and cappuccino as microwave lightning sizzle their cities, creating an immense burst of energy powerful enough to destroy important landmarks. Much sad. Much Wow.
Is this shit ready to go? I guess so. It’s bad. We need to launch right now. Cue Stickley,(Alfre Woodard )counting down. Dramatic music fades to the sound of whales in one of the cooler moments where Brazzleton surmises that the sonic hum of the drill is actually singing to the whales. Personally, I think the whales are just getting ready to evacuate the planet here, singing “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
But wait! Serene moment is over as Stickley notices they are coming up on the first layer of the Earth’s crust way too fast. Brazzleton keeps his shit as everyone starts to lose theirs, saying the pressure isn’t quite there to start firing the drill. But our unknown (on purpose) heroes manage to punch through at the very last second and I don’t lose my Hot Pocket breakfast. (I actually ate yogurt for breakfast. I haven’t bought Hot Pockets in years.)
One of my favorite scenes of the movie is when the computer is registering empty space and the crew tries to figure it out. Tucci launches into some Sagan-esque crust poetry and Brazzleton is like, “Say it with me…I don’t know.” This was formative when I first heard it back in 2003 because I think human tendency is to explain shit we have no idea about. I love saying “I don’t know” because it’s something I will eventually look forward to learning.
Back to our heroes — At this point, they hit the empty space and dive into a geode. My oldest daughter lovingly looks back and says, “Welp, someone’s gonna die here.” Yep.
Like Josh, I.am.amazed that the suits can take the pressure and move so freely on the body SEVEN HUNDRED miles below the surface. Yay MOAR science!
But SHIT! COBALT SHELL BREACH WHERE GIANT PHALLIC THING BROKE THROUGH. STUCK LASER. Brazzleton is able to kick the amethyst out of the impeller at the cost of Josh’s brain cells (you need oxygen to fire the laser and there is a kink in the hose, so Josh hooks up to the drill with his personal supply, duh) as the geode fills with hot liquid (TBD).
Instead of coming inside to test the cleared impeller, Commander Pike/Iverson waits outside to check if everything is working and just as Lexie predicted, bites it and melts into the TBD red melty shit. I mean the liquid hot magma/lava. Is it lava? Lava is when magma breaks free from below the surface, right? And they are technically below the surface, but still refer to it as lava. I feel this won’t be the first time they fuck that up. WHAT IS IT? Why am I having a breakdown over this?
ANYWAY. Lexie turns back around and says, “Yep. He dead.”
Beck has her first loss. Is she a leader yet?
After realizing what they’re seeing are actually huge and dangerous ouchie things that can have catastrophic consequences if hit, Becks doesn’t say, “Hey guys, we’re dodging diamonds the size of Cape Cod, so why don’t you put down the sensitive nuclear launch equipment that is mission critical and buckle in, doofuses.” She only says the first half. Cue the imminent and stupid death of Serge.
OVERRIDE THE EJECTION SYSTEMS BECK!
Becks loss total – 2
Now is she a leader?
We were all calling for you Beck.
“Serge died so we could complete our job.” — Becks says with tears in her eyes.
“Saving the whole world?” Angry Josh yells back.
“Not the whole world, Josh. Just three of them.” Becks is referring to Serge’s wife and kids here which makes the death even more heartbreaking. By the way, if you haven’t seen it, go watch Movies with Mikey as he talks about Interstellar. He makes an interesting argument about this very motivation in saving humanity.
Josh takes just a minute to grieve Serge and they punch through another layer. But oh no, core density is thinner than calculated and their speed has increased. The look of horror on Tucci’s face is palpable as they realize the one hundred tons of Nookeler warheads they’ve hauled down there won’t be enough to restart the core. This gives us the big Project Destiny reveal which isn’t a video game by Bungie, but the whole sekrit project reason they are down there to begin with. So our suicidal morons decide they are going to continue with the mission and restart the core “somehow” — which brings me to my favorite scene OF ALL TIME:
…and Brazzleton punches him in the face. HALE yes.
Smash cut to more destruction up on the surface of Terra — this time in scenic San Fran at the Golden Gate Bridge which actually melts and kills a bunch of people. Time is definitely running out for the world. Much fret. Much sad.
Military big wig goes on with his plan to fire P. Destiny again to restart the core they originally stopped by firing P. Destiny. Josh begs Rat for more time through some form of encryption and Rat gets right on it. HAX.
Perhaps out of some need for survival or he magically grows a conscious, Tucci comes up with a plausible?!? plan. Josh actually utters the words, “nookelur shockwave. ” This daughter of a retired Nuclear Engineer smacks herself in the head.
In an endearing scene, we see Rat trying to stall P. Destiny, getting frustrated it’s not as easy to crack the government top sekrit sites as it was to hack the entire internet or give free long distance with above mentioned gum wrapper and weird whistle. DJ Qualls acts the shit out of this scene though, and I love him for it.
So back somewhere below the peanut butter and jelly crusts that no one really likes to eat anyway, Brazzleton, Tucci, and Josh draw straws. Surprise, they’re all fighting over who gets to die. Brazzleton gives some bullshit excuse as to why it’s super important for him to go because he built the damn ship and well, reasons.
Tucci erases all the hurt he caused Brazzleton by stealing his research with one sentence and Brazzleton goes to melt
with you because the overrides to voluntarily separate each piece of his mega ship is on the outside? He is literally erased from the movie as the impeller starts again.
Seriously though, why isn’t there a mashup of death scenes where people actually melt in this movie with that song?
Also, you know what? Why couldn’t Becks just continue to hit random shit to force the ejection of each section, which as we’ve seen already works.
Stupid death count = 3.
*looks between facepalm* Is Becks a leader yet?
Tucci and Josh run through the ship ejecting the pods at strategic points in the core.
But WAIT. They are going to fire DESTINY.
Rat finally finds a way and diverts all energy required to power the machine to Coney Island. Anyone want to ride a suped-up rollercoaster and eat some hot dogs? (I hear they are really good microwaved.)
Becks continues to manually eject pods and Josh and Tucci realize they still don’t have enough nukes to actually make the plan happen.
Becks hits yet another thing (an energy flare in the core) which not only knocks out the comms, but a nookelur bomb falls on Josh then rolls and falls on Tucci during a course correction?!? who is totally stuck for realz. Also, how do you make a course correction in the core that’s not spinning? How are they even moving forward? Brazzleton didn’t teach Virgil how to fly. Anyway, Josh gets out of the compartment just in time to hear Tucci say they need to add the fuel rods from the ship’s reactor to the last explosion to make it big enough.
So Josh grabs the shit out of those rods with gloves. Just gloves. Raw NOOKELUR material with gloves on and gets burns. Just burns.
He meets up with Becks who understands they’ve given up their way home, who at this point, finally understands what is to be a leader and comforts the shit out of him by being strong and composed (for him).
“You did a good job.”
After another AHA moment, Josh realizes they are effectively sitting in a big solar panel thanks to the unobtanium (no shit. It’s the same stuff they mine on Pandora in Avatar and featured in other movies) material from which the ship is built. Becks and Josh rewire the ship with a muthafuckin blow torch to divert the heat into solar? energy. SCIE… never mind.
Tucci’s last moment is pure poetry, realizing his death imminent, he spends it laughing at how absurdly he spent his own short moments on the planet he almost killed.
Core restarts. Much relief. Much earthquake.
Josh and Becks ride a goddamn magma tube at super speed, not hitting a goddamn thing and pop out of a goddamn steam channel at the bottom of the goddamn ocean.
More shit with whale song (“It’s WHALES!”) and ultrasonics, a kiss and Becks and Josh are rescued.
Cut to a little later, Rat releases all the sekrit data and our heroes get the all the credits.
Despite many stupid decisions, I love the hell out of this movie. It tries so hard, fails so amazingly, and doesn’t apologize. Despite the bad science, every single actor gave everything they had to bring this script to life. I have admitted before that I am a big fan of disaster movies for some inexplicable reason (Inception level one: Actually, Kate, it’s because as empathic as you are, sometimes shit hurts so bad, it’s actually cathartic to see everything just go away), (Inception level two: Shit, that’s depressing.)
Anyway, if you haven’t seen this movie, you should. It’s awesome. I would totally avoid Deep Impact though.
Totally not plausible.
(Also, seriously Kate, 2109 words? That could have been energy writing a short story.)